Amar es Servir = to love is to serve

A fond memory from the mission. I had kind of a wild day today. It was a day that caused me to do what I do everyday- reflect on my mission, but much more deeply than usual. I got an email telling me that a girl in our ward passed away. I still don't know details, I am thinking it might be suicide, and my heart aches because I knew her. I worked alongside her, and we weren't friends and all I can think about is what a bitch I am. She was kind of an odd girl. She was unkept and a little bit masculine. She spoke with a lisp and was not very friendly. But she was a daughter of God and had a tender heart. She deserved to be noticed and accepted and loved just like we all do. I feel I did none of those things. I had conversations with her and we handled a ward prayer together but that was it. I don't remember complimenting her or going out of my way to make her day brighter, and for that, I feel guilty and an urgent need to reevaluate my life and my daily motivations. I think we all know that service and helping others brings us the happiness and the satisfaction we all live for, so why are we so selfish? Why would I rather go to the gym or sleep in than dish out food at a soup kitchen or visit my elderly friends at the old folks home? It has been studied and examined by doctors and psychologists that service makes people happy and being selfless is what gives our lives purpose. All these things are no brainers and reflect the Savior's teachings and gospel, yet I still am slow motion to "get it." yeah I volunteer at the hospital several hours a week but I do that spoof up my resume to help me get into PA school someday. So anyways, amar es servir. I am going to be of service at least once everyday until I die, thats my goal. I have gotten lost in the mix lately and this will give me and my life more substance. So as I reflect upon the mission, and retrieve that huge life changing experience to give me a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment, its time I allow that experience to be reborn and continue. I have been mourning its death for a long time now, when I could be celebrating its birth and ability to equip me with many more beautiful experiences to come. RIP Ashley and welcome back mission days:)

Frustrated but Good

I am struggling these days. Like this pic of hostel sue, I have tons going through my head that I feel like I need to self medicate to stay calm and relaxed. I wont get into what is going on. Lets just say I am frustrated. Things are good, I just have this goal that I have had for years and years that I just cant seem to pin down. It seems to dance around me and sometimes even spit on me as I climb and push on tryin to achieve it. I can't wait until I reach the top of this climb, grab it, and sit down with this "thing" look it in the eyes and spit back. It has nothing to do with men, there are plenty of them. It has nothing to do with school, that seems to come easier with time. It has nothing to do with Church or my spiritual aspirations, although it would be wise to seek to strive for bigger and greater in that department as well. Anyways, its all good. I just need help.